StraightforwardSQL Database stuff with a side of memes
A compilation

Memes, reactions & SQL jokes.

All original ideas - well, as original as memes can be. Made to keep you sane between execution-plan tuning sessions.

The patron saint of SQL help channels.
Blog post: Don't Be Lazy
The patron saint of SQL help channels.
2026-05-28
If I was in charge of error messages
If I was in charge of error messages
2023-06-12
Me: I like to practice blameless post-mortems
Also me:
Me: I like to practice blameless post-mortems Also me:
2023-04-03
If you get this, you can be my friend
If you get this, you can be my friend
2023-03-27
If you need to SHRINK periodically, see a shrink periodically.
If you need to SHRINK periodically, see a shrink periodically.
2023-03-20
'GO with me if you want to live.'
'GO with me if you want to live.'
2023-03-14
What is your database's mental attitude?
What is your database's mental attitude?
2023-01-26
When you find ad-hoc queries blocking production
When you find ad-hoc queries blocking production
2023-01-20
Unless you SET ANSI_NULLS OFF
Unless you SET ANSI_NULLS OFF
2022-12-20
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That’s why it is called the present.
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That’s why it is called the present.
2022-11-04
I want to wait at low priority
I want to wait at low priority
2022-10-13
I won't name and shame but still…
I won't name and shame but still…
2022-10-07
Top 3 Dark Side powers:
Top 3 Dark Side powers:
2022-10-06
Why didn't I think of this meme sooner
Blog post: KEEP PLAN Demystified
Why didn't I think of this meme sooner
2022-10-05
Let me introduce you to a multi-Tennant database
Let me introduce you to a multi-Tennant database
2022-01-20
I'm comparing Table Schemas using Czech Sums
I'm comparing Table Schemas using Czech Sums
2022-09-29
It's a matter of time
It's a matter of time
2022-09-27
Query Optimizer when it's not currently running out of internal resources.
Query Optimizer when it's not currently running out of internal resources.
2022-09-26
I'm a certified troublemaker
I'm a certified troublemaker
2022-09-22
Sadly, it's not a unique situation
Sadly, it's not a unique situation
2022-09-20
PSA: Check if your Identity column is running out of values. Or use
DBA Dash
PSA: Check if your Identity column is running out of values. Or use
2022-09-15
How to fix a varchar/nvarchar constant mismatch
▶ video
2022-09-04
Me whenever I see INNER JOIN or LEFT OUTER JOIN
Me whenever I see INNER JOIN or LEFT OUTER JOIN
2022-08-26
It's a metadata operation, they said.
It's gonna be instant, they said.
It's a metadata operation, they said. It's gonna be instant, they said.
2022-08-07
Guess the film production studio
Guess the film production studio
2022-08-04
How life was before the error 2628
How life was before the error 2628
2022-07-25
Mama, I made it
Mama, I made it
2022-07-18
Me: How did this value get past the constraint?
Constraint:
Me: How did this value get past the constraint? Constraint:
2022-07-15
I can't wait for the Memory Grant Feedback oscillation fix in SQL Server 2022
I can't wait for the Memory Grant Feedback oscillation fix in SQL Server 2022
2022-07-14
Any day now…
Any day now…
2022-01-20
My experience with the DOP Feedback demo in SQL Server 2022
My experience with the DOP Feedback demo in SQL Server 2022
2022-06-30
How things were before SQL Server 2022.
How things were before SQL Server 2022.
2022-06-25
Everyone loves a Venn diagram
Everyone loves a Venn diagram
2022-01-20
They told me to add a filter to speed up my query.
I've used 'Golden Hour', and it was even slower. Should I go for the 'Sepia'?
They told me to add a filter to speed up my query. I've used 'Golden Hour', and it was even slower. Should I go for the 'Sepia'?
2022-05-21
What have I done?!
What have I done?!
2022-05-17
Dominic Toretto learns about row goals.
Dominic Toretto learns about row goals.
2022-05-05
Me: Lord, give me a sign I'm doing the Query Tuning right.
Lord:
Me: Lord, give me a sign I'm doing the Query Tuning right. Lord:
2022-04-23
I'm going to hell for this
I'm going to hell for this
2022-04-15
You can tell spring is in full swing.
Views are starting to nest.
You can tell spring is in full swing. Views are starting to nest.
2022-04-12
I didn't know semicolon opinions are so divisive
I didn't know semicolon opinions are so divisive
2022-04-07
My favourite things in SQL Server
▶ video
2022-03-31
It's all about the Statistics!
It's all about the Statistics!
2022-03-31
Inspired by this blog post from Forrest McDaniel:
What's the Difference between CXPACKET and CXCONSUMER
Inspired by this blog post from Forrest McDaniel:
2022-03-28
Not even optimize for Ad hoc Workloads can save you.
Not even optimize for Ad hoc Workloads can save you.
2022-03-27
Every time I think about Query Store's morally equivalent plans, this blog post by Kendra Little comes to mind:
What is a Morally Equivalent Execution Plan, and Why Is It Useful?
Every time I think about Query Store's morally equivalent plans, this blog post by Kendra Little comes to mind:
2022-03-22
I should probably add the TOP clause.
I should probably add the TOP clause.
2022-03-15
Unit testing with the Avengers
Unit testing with the Avengers
2022-03-12
My first ever presentation at a conference. I think it went fairly well. Finally, I can use this meme.
Troubleshoot Real-World Scenarios with Extended Events
My first ever presentation at a conference. I think it went fairly well. Finally, I can use this meme.
2022-03-11
I was confused the first time it happened to me.
I was confused the first time it happened to me.
2022-02-17
Let's just sprinkle these into my explanations.
Let's just sprinkle these into my explanations.
2022-01-20
I'm tired of explaining it over and over again
I'm tired of explaining it over and over again
2022-02-09
Know the difference!
Know the difference!
2022-02-08
Just a random idea I had
Just a random idea I had
2022-02-04
LPT: Start your SQL with:
SET NOCOUNT ON
and end your SQL batches with:
RAISERROR('Great success! 👨👍', 10, 1);
LPT: Start your SQL with: SET NOCOUNT ON and end your SQL batches with: RAISERROR('Great success! 👨👍', 10, 1);
2022-02-03
I can't catch a break
I can't catch a break
2022-01-26
Query Store - Choose your execution type!
Query Store - Choose your execution type!
2021-12-06
CROSS APPLY or something, idk
I've never written T-SQL
CROSS APPLY or something, idk I've never written T-SQL
2021-12-03
Great blog post from Forrest McDaniel:
Percentage Non Grata
Great blog post from Forrest McDaniel:
2021-11-24
With great power comes…
With great power comes…
2021-11-23
CONCAT string or something, idk
I've never written T-SQL
CONCAT string or something, idk I've never written T-SQL
2021-11-19
Say 300 again. I dare you, I double dare you!
Say 300 again. I dare you, I double dare you!
2021-11-16
Keeping up the act is exhausting.
Keeping up the act is exhausting.
2021-11-12
I've run into a Strange problem with parallelism.
▶ video
2021-11-10
When you're starting out with SQL Server.
When you're starting out with SQL Server.
2021-11-07
Great post, highly recommend!
No Running at the Resource Pool
Great post, highly recommend!
2021-11-05
New description for the XE context menu?
New description for the XE context menu?
2021-11-04
Problem solved!
Too obscure? Read this amazing series by Paul White:
The Halloween Problem—Part 1
Problem solved! Too obscure? Read this amazing series by Paul White:
2021-10-31
They are great for performance, not so great for concurrency
They are great for performance, not so great for concurrency
2021-10-27
Late night ponderings
Late night ponderings
2021-10-13
The dark side clouds everything…
The dark side clouds everything…
2021-09-24
Not the result set I was expecting.
Not the result set I was expecting.
2021-09-17
That's why I process in batches.
That's why I process in batches.
2021-09-09
Parsing strings in TSQL is fun!
Parsing strings in TSQL is fun!
2021-09-08
2021-01-20
Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
Active
- Who Is Active?
Knock, knock! - Who's there? Active - Who Is Active?
2021-09-06
Even Merriam-Webster has no definition for SARGable
Even Merriam-Webster has no definition for SARGable
2021-01-20
A handy chart:
A handy chart:
2021-09-02
This works
This works
2021-09-01
I'm still not using them
I'm still not using them
2021-08-31
Please create a ticket.
Please create a ticket.
2021-08-27
What I imagine a consultant's job is like:
What I imagine a consultant's job is like:
2021-08-26
I hate when this happens.
I hate when this happens.
2021-08-25
2021-08-24
Haven't tried it yet. Can anyone share feedback?
Haven't tried it yet. Can anyone share feedback?
2021-08-23
2021-08-20
This website by Solomon Rutzky is my go-to resource:
Module Signing Info
This website by Solomon Rutzky is my go-to resource:
2021-08-19
2021-08-18
Inspired by blog post by Jonathan Kehayias:
Tracking Extended Events for a SQL Agent Job
Inspired by blog post by Jonathan Kehayias:
2021-08-17
Your clever tricks won't help you
Your clever tricks won't help you
2021-08-16
Code reviews of the future.
Code reviews of the future.
2021-08-13
What adding an INDEX feels like
What adding an INDEX feels like
2021-08-12
Prove me wrong, I dare you!
Prove me wrong, I dare you!
2021-08-11
2021-08-10
When arguing about the importance of versioning the database
When arguing about the importance of versioning the database
2021-08-09
Especially on Friday
Especially on Friday
2021-08-06
2021-08-05
My answer depends on the question.
My answer depends on the question.
2021-08-09
2021-08-03
This is the original meme idea that got me started.
Thanks to Paul White and his blog post:
Query Optimizer Deep Dive—Part 1
▶ video
2021-08-02
The endless battle
The endless battle
2021-07-30
This one goes out to #sqlfamily
This one goes out to #sqlfamily
2021-07-29
At least there was no log shipping
At least there was no log shipping
2021-07-28
2021-07-27
It's an older meme, but it checks out.
It's an older meme, but it checks out.
2021-07-26
Guess I'll have to batch delete again…
Guess I'll have to batch delete again…
2021-07-23
2021-07-21
My first ever meme 🎉
My first ever meme 🎉
2021-07-20