Memes

If I was in charge of error messages

Me: I like to practice blameless post-mortems
Also me:

If you get this, you can be my friend

If you need to SHRINK periodically, see a shrink periodically.

'GO with me if you want to live.'

What is your database's mental attitude?

When you find Ad-Hoc queries blocking the production

Unless you SET ANSI_NULLS OFF

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That’s why it is called the present.

I want to wait at low priority

I won't name and shame but still…

Top 3 Dark Side powers:

Why didn't I think of this meme sooner
Blog post: KEEP PLAN Demystified

Let me introduce you to a multi-Tennant database

I'm comparing Table Schemas using CZECHSUMS.

If I ever get a dog, I'm naming him Offset. Just so I can yell: 'OFFSET, FETCH!'

It's a matter of time

Query Optimizer when it's not currently running out of internal resources.

I'm a certified troublemaker

Sadly, it's not a unique situation

PSA: Check if your Identity is not running out. Or use
DBA Dash

How to fix a varchar/nvarchar constant mismatch

Me whenever I see INNER JOIN or LEFT OUTER JOIN

In a heated argument, I've called Pascal 'a camel', and now I'm being sent to the case sensitivity training.

It's a metadata operation, they said.
It's gonna be instant, they said.

Guess the film production studio

How life was before the error 2628

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the users to perform their own physical integrity checks.

Mama, I made it

Me: How did this value get past the constraint?
Constraint:

I can't wait for the fix to the Memory Grant Feedback oscillation in SQL Server 2022

Any day now…

My experience with the DOP Feedback demo in SQL Server 2022

How it was before SQL Server 2022.

Everyone loves a Venn diagram

They told me to add a filter to speed up my query.
I've used 'Golden Hour', and it was even slower. Should I go for the 'Sepia'?

What have I done?!

Dominic Toretto learns about row goals.

Me: Lord, give me a sign I'm doing the Query Tuning right.
Lord:

I'm going to hell for this

You can tell spring is in full swing.
Views are starting to nest.

I didn't know semicolon opinions are so divisive

My favourite things in SQL Server

It's all about the Statistics!

Inspired by this blog post from Forrest McDaniel:
What's the Difference between CXPACKET and CXCONSUMER

Not even optimize for Ad hoc Workloads can save you.

Every time I think about Query Store's morally equivalent plans, this blog post by Kendra Little comes to mind:
What is a Morally Equivalent Execution Plan, and Why Is It Useful?

I should probably add the TOP clause.

Unit testing with the Avengers

My first ever presentation at a conference. I think it went fairly well. Finally, I can use this meme.
Troubleshoot Real-World Scenarios with Extended Events

I was confused the first time it happened to me.

Errors are red,
Keywords are blue,
I found the root cause
In the fifth nested view.

Happy Valentine's day 💘

Let's just sprinkle these into my explanations.

I'm tired of explaining it over and over again

Know the difference!

Just a random idea I had

LPT: Start your SQL with:
SET NOCOUNT ON
and end your SQL batches with:
RAISERROR('Great success! 👨👍', 10, 1);

I can't catch a break

Query Store - Choose your execution type!

CROSS APPLY or something, idk
I've never written T-SQL

Great blog post from Forrest McDaniel:
Percentage Non Grata

With great power comes…
Arithmetic overflow error for type int

CONCAT string or something, idk
I've never written T-SQL

Say 300 again. I dare you, I double dare you!

Keeping up the act is exhausting.

I've run into a Strange problem with parallelism.

When you are starting out with the SQL Server.

Great post, highly recommend!
No Running at the Resource Pool

New description for the XE context menu?

Problem solved!
Too obscure? Read this amazing series by Paul White:
The Halloween Problem—Part 1

They are great for performance, not so great for concurrency

Late night ponderings

The LEFT JOIN wasn’t right — but with the RIGHT JOIN, there was nothing left.

The dark side clouds everything…

Not the result set I was expecting.

That's why I process in batches.

Parsing strings in TSQL is fun!

Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
Active
- Who Is Active?

Even Merriam-Webster has no definition for SARGable

A handy chart:

This works

I'm still not using them

SET TRANSACTION ISOLATION LEVEL READ UNCOMMITTED is to NOLOCK as Caps Lock is to the Shift key

Please create a ticket.

What I imagine a consultant's job is like:

I hate when this happens.

Haven't tried it yet. Can anyone share a feedback?

This website by Solomon Rutzky is my go-to resource:
Module Signing Info

Inspired by blog post by Jonathan Kehayias:
Tracking Extended Events for a SQL Agent Job

Your clever tricks won't help you

Code reviews of the future.

What adding an OPTION (RECOMPILE) to a query feels like.

Prove me wrong, I dare you!

When arguing about the importance of versioning the database

Especially on Friday

My answer depends on the question.

This is the original meme idea that got me started.
Thanks to Paul White and his blog post:
Query Optimizer Deep Dive—Part 1

The endless battle

This one goes out to #sqlfamily

At least there was no log shipping

It's an older meme, but it checks out.

Guess I'll have to batch delete again…

My first ever meme 🎉